Two Great Lights
A Poem
HE: I was alone 'till God made me sleep. The oceans all ran and rushed into a heap To meet you, my moon, my rib, and my bride, Curvéd and white and drawn from my side. SHE: You are my sun; now I am full. Created for you, I am whiter than wool. I turn and I rise in phases with you, Dragging our oceans of watery blue. HE: You are the moon and I am the sun. I shine in the day; you shine when it’s done. SHE: I am your moon, and you are my sun. Look at the world; around it we run. You rule the day; I follow with night, To draw up a tide of heirs to the light. HE: You are my moon, and on you I shine, Finding our places in order divine. I rise and I burn, starting at dawn; I give you my heat, 'till daytime is gone. SHE: My face will not burn, but brighter will be, a radiant sail in a sky like the sea. Celestial orbits, my calling in time: A golden ring and deference sublime. HE: Here in the spheres, no turning I see, My face looks at yours, and yours looks at me. SHE: You are my sun, and I am your moon, Let’s meet in the sky, like late afternoon. And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also. —Genesis 1:16
Absolutely beautiful just as it is.
Using the sun & the moon to draw out the differences of male & female, and the analogies to Adam & Eve, are really excellent. I'm not sure where you think the form has gone awry. The meter and rhyme seem to be pretty solid on a first read through. I think I would avoid phrases like "whiter than wool" simply because it's been used so much to mostly useless now. It is an opportunity to say something similar but in a fresh way now. Great job!